Guest Post | When You Don't Like How God Chooses to Heal You
I felt he had no right to go there, and I was mad at him for exposing it, touching it, and examining every part of it. The injury was so old that I could not understand why God would waste his time on it.
I prayed for the healing of a reoccurring emotional surface wound, but was shocked when God went beyond that and started working on a damaged part of me that had deep roots which never saw the light of day.
…Healing has been long, messy, and difficult.
For the first time in my life I did not want a touch from God. His touch wasn’t magical and filled with awe like how it’s always presented in church services. It hurt like hell and aggravated every part of me that needed to heal, even parts of me I thought were okay.
So what did God do?
He led me to remember the cause of my deep-rooted wound and the unbearable pain that came with it. It literally felt as though my chest had been opened up for heart surgery without anesthetics. I curled up in agony and wanted God to leave me alone. I was done doing things his way and wanted to go back to being ignorant of it all. I was angry at God for a long time and thought he was being insensitive.
…But my life was being controlled by a decade old injury that I did not want to remember. I thought time had healed me, but all it did was conceal it with surface wounds that I thought were the real problem.
God could not heal the surface wounds without getting to the root of them all. He wasn’t in the business of healing parts of me and allowing the other parts to stay broken. He did all things well and I would not be well if I had my way. Letting out the pain was releasing me from the invisible chains that held me back from true mental freedom. It was releasing me from various forms of depression and anxiety.
My screaming and crying was an indication that I was no longer numb and ignorant of the pain and ready to truly live.
I know there are some of you who are secretly suffering with wounds that are decades old. You’ve never dealt with the pain of a broken heart because the trauma was just too much to bear so you covered it up and moved on. You’re weary of truly asking for help on how to deal with your injury because you fear of it being mishandled. You’ve learned how to live with this pain and adjust your life to accommodate it.
Accommodating this wound led to instability in every area of your life. You’ve lost meaningful friendships, because an accidental offense felt like a pre-determined stab in the back. You are insecure and offended by everything. Your defense mechanism results in you pouncing on anyone, who seems like a threat to your wound. Your love life is always in shambles because of the big gaping hole in your heart- that is your injury.
Emotional trauma is real and healing is necessary.
Uncovering wounds that have never been dealt with is scary and having the courage to do so is bravery. I’m still in my healing process and to my surprise, it does get better. Coming to terms with whatever happened to you in the past allows you to finally make a choice on what kind of person you truly want to be. I still have my moments when I get angry at God for exposing my wound, but I know the woman that will come out of this will be stable, confident, secure, and most importantly whole.
Pray for healing and allow God to heal you in the way he sees fit, because a fragmented version of you is not what he intended for your life anyway.
Lauren spends her time reading and looking up information for fun. She values every lesson that life gives her and tries to bestow that same wisdom upon others who may be dealing with similar issues. She is a lover of God and learning that it’s okay to be perfectly imperfect.
Visit Lauren at accordingtolala.com.