It's Okay Not to Be Okay

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I’m not okay.

I’m am tired, emotionally wounded, and lonely. It isn’t for lack of friends. I, quite frankly, know some very amazing people where there is very strong, deep mutual love. But there is a different kind of loneliness that friendship doesn’t always fix or fill.

Maybe I’m only speaking for myself here, but I have this deep innate need to not be the adultiest person in my life. I have this insatiable need for a relationship that only a mom and dad can fill. My mother is still very much alive and so is my father but they aren’t available to me for a number of reasons. My father and I are estranged. My mother and I check up on the phone almost every day but she is also a staunch realist and doesn’t have the capacity to handle my emotions. To be honest, I shudder to even type this for fear of her reading this and it possibly hurting her feelings, but I have to share my truth.

I am going through a series of rough patches, growing pains, and newness. It is all beautifully hard but hard, nonetheless.

As I work diligently to grow and cultivate love, authenticity, and honest in my life and (hopefully) in the lives of others, by my own practice of discerning vulnerability, It is hard to expose these little pieces of my heart without exposing all of it. As Brené Brown puts it, “We can’t selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” This is the cost of vulnerability and authenticity.

You feel.

Everything.

Or you feel nothing.

There were many points in my life where I didn’t want to feel. It seemed easier and safer. And in some ways, it was. But the older (and hopefully wiser) I get, I’m learning that I don’t want to trade connection for emotional safety, no matter how scary it is. And regardless of how scary it is, I refuse to hide. I will always advocate for my heart and truth so that others can feel the safety and permission to do the same.

Never be ashamed of your heart and the truth of what you’ve experienced.

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